Seventeen Things I Learned in Rhode Island with the Carolina Rollergirls…

by Paina Skully

CRG went north of the wall, took on some white walkers in the tundra of New England, and left having laughed to the point of crying a non-zero amount of times. I’m so glad I went on this trip even though I couldn’t skate.

  1. “We can stop on the way back” means we’re definitely not going. Indoor skydiving will have to happen another time.
  2. Advertisements are better if they rhyme. “You want to dance? You better call Vance!” or “In pain? Call Wayne!”
  3. After working with a short roster, 14 skaters just seems like overkill. “Did the other team bring 30?!? Oh wait. No… that’s just 14. Seems like a lot…”
  4. Fleur cares too much to let a teammate use a stranger danger spoon.
  5. Being an asshole is not the same thing as being honest, no matter how many times you say it.
  6. D-d-d-d-d-daaaaaangerclaw! It’s disconcerting, mesmerizing, an object of awe. Now please put it away, Punch.
  7. Twizzlers count as dessert.
  8. Mayhem’s maternal instinct flares up every time Falcon jams. “BAAAAABYGIIIIIIIIRL!”
  9. Clobbers is such a lady. “It smells bad. Who’s been farting!?” Clobbers: “It was me!”
  10. Dance, Monkey, Dance!  She’ll dance for ice cream. She’ll play roller derby for ice cream. Just as long as there is ice cream.
  11. Falcon and I are spectacular at car karaoke. Gory doesn’t believe in our talents, however. She did say our monotone rendition of The Black Eyed Peas “I Gotta Feeling” was worthy.
  12. Connecticut has the worst traffic in the world, and it has terrifying (to Dot) little stone walls, but at least there’s Dunkin.
  13. Drinking by water is a thing Gory likes to do.
  14. Driving a war rig starts with terror but ends with a power trip: “I’m bigger than YOU! And bigger than you! And… okay, semi, you win.” And when you make a mistake, just shout “We’re not from here!” and hope no one dies.
  15. Punch will finish four people’s dinners if you just leave the food out.
  16. Amity! That name means friendship.
  17. CRG needs a full-time bench nanny staff. Y’all skaters need Jesus.



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